He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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