I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
