We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
