nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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