Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
