Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
