does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
