I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Terrible idea I love it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
