Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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