Who did Billy Mays play for?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
