Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
