So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Randomize
