I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
