Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
