i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
