So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
