I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
