I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
