his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
His nipple licking is glorious
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