Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
