I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
