she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
