I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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