btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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