The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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