i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
