eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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