Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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