Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
