the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
