Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
