Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
