the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got inside last night via doggy door
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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