I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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