What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
