there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize