Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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