Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
