I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Actions speak louder than pants.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
soo... how was my night?
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