Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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