I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
