Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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