Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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