my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
