your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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