I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
