sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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