I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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