Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
