No stitches, just platelets and will power
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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