WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
