The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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