dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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