You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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