Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize