So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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