textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
