I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
