im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
