i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
