did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
