She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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