she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
