I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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