Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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