I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
