Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
