My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
