Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
