apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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