if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
